I didnt think I would make a comeback with this post. But there is a need for me to voice out my thoughts and there's no better place than here.

Today, I have come to realize that my greatest downfall is always trying to put others before me. It happens all the time and I will always get the crap in the end. I've learnt that no matter how much an effort you put in to do something to help someone, time makes ppl forget.

All I need is a little appreciation and respect. I hate being the one having to answer to ppl when plans dont go right because I dont own anybody an explanation as I helped out of favour and not because I am obligated to do so. I hate getting accused of being bossy just because I push ppl to put in the same effort as I do when we are doing something together. I hate getting scolded over somebody else mistakes or behaviour because if it's their mistake, why do I have to be the one shouldering it. But above all, I hate it when I asked for help and not being received the same way I would have given if that person asked me for helped.

So today, I remind myself from tomorrow onwards, I need to be selfish and put myself first everyone else. I'm done with helping and doing things for ppl who doesnt appreciate.

Mentally drained with school and life. And as much as school sucks, at least, I can run away to different places and have my own alone time whenever I feel like it. But for life, there is no place to run because no matter where you try to go, you'll just be back at the same point.

I realize I need to find my inspiration back. I'm not only talking about the inspiration to write but rather in general, like for school and pretty much everything else. It got lost somewhere along the way and refuses to come back.

I guess that pretty much sums up why I have been feeling so withdrawn this whole time.

There is so much that is running on my thoughts right now. But I'm lacking the energy and courage to start writing for I fear the outbreak of emotions that I have been containing inside me. Till I find that strength.

I'm gonna be so strong for my two younger sisters and mama. I promise.

I pray for you to be more responsible.

If you could see that tears that drop from his eyes then probably you will understand how hard it is for all of us.

Just because I like to end it with 13

1) Projects are finally done which only means exams are nearing.
2) I have massive eye bags forming thanks to late nights.
3) I feel tired all the time which could probably due to the amount of pressure I'm facing or the lack of exercise.
4) My hair sucks big time because its flat and frumpy and oily.
5) My face has erupted in massive amount of pimples which screams squeeze me.
6) All I do is eat, eat and eat and cramp myself inside my tiny room.
7) I find myself lagging quite behind in studies despite my attempts to catch up on it.
8) This financial crises is killing me and I have never been so broke in my entire life before.
9) I skip classes whenever I can because going means spending on transportation fee and food.
10) I'm in debt and my small amount of workpay is late again for god knows how many times.
11) I've been cut away from all contacts for a while now because I couldnt keep my line due to lack of payments.
12) It sucks to be a student but what sucks more is to be broke.
13) And I just thank my lucky stars that I got no boyfriend to add on to my problems on this troubled list. :D

Things seemed to be beyond my reach these days. Why is that, the more effort I try to put in, the worst everything seems to get. Am I just plain stupid? And am I being whiny? Should I just shut up and realise I do have limits?

Honestly, I'm tired. Real tired. I dont even know what I want anymore.

I'm not saying I am perfect because it is so obvious I am not but at least I do know where my priorities are. I do know what has to come first and I do know which is of more importance to me.

I don't think I need to be compared to others because I believe I have my own strength. Neither do I think anyone with the exception of god and my parents has any right to judge me.

My personal life is not written on my facial expression neither is it shown through my body language. Does smiling often means that I am not stressed up? Does looking so relax means I do not have many things on my hands? Or does showing that I am happy means everything in my life is going on perfectly?

So here's the deal. I havent been out or met my friends(from different cliques) for two years or more. My days are burned either in school, work or at home mugging. My free time are passed rushing for projects which never seems to end. My last movie was in July and the only time I go out is when my parents ask me out for dinner/lunch or to get things for my nephew or when I need to get stuff for school. And my family and I have been through a rollercoster ride this past few months.

So I guess if that is relax, then I must say you are right.

Love

I was planning to write about turning 24 but as I was writing, the focus and direction shifted. But I guess this is more worth writing and reading.

The stars come out each night
And when the dark meets the light
He kiss the moon goodnight

A new day comes around
A new life born
A new beginning has just began

Something about you
That words cant fully describe
How you make me all warm and fuzzy inside

The way you move
And the way you look
It's like a scenery that changes with time

And when your little fingers curled against mine
I can feel the summer breeze
That's when I know your world's at ease

Only the earth and sky can vouch for me
The happiness I get when our hearts combine

For it's only you, I come alive
And I know I will love you
Forever, now and until the end of time.

Dear Razim,

You are probably too young to even understand what I am saying but I'm gonna say it anyway and someday when you are older you will see this again. You are the best birthday gift I ever received in my life. Although you came out earlier, ten is only the number of days which separates us. I don't think I have ever felt this kind of happiness and love before. I thank you for giving me this opportunity. You are a part of my life now and I will do everything that is in my guts to protect and love you with all my heart. I promise I will. I promise I do. Till I meet you again my little one, you will be in my heart. Always.