Dear Eden

I have been leading a bustling and fast pacing life that life has been a living nightmare. I get so caught up achieving my own goals, fighting my own bloody war with this world that I hardly remember to live. Truth be told, as much I claim to love studying and going to school, I'm starting to loathe it. And it's an irony because although I am starting to detest it and feel like almost immediately alighting from it, somehow, I'm not pressing any bell and still staying firm on my seat wanting to prove something.

I am scared eden, damn bloody scared to be exact. The last few months, I have been feeling extremely contradicting to the extend of finding my own solace in the form of avoidance. I know it's a selfish and only an act a coward would potray but I can't help it eden. It is the only fastest way I know I can find at peace within me. My own world, my own space and my own time. I know I'm killing my social life but I seriously can't help it and slum myself in this big hole of depression.

And eden, there hasn't been probably a moment in life that I doubt myself because I have always been pretty much sure how I want to lead it. But out of late, I just can't help but ponder over the decisions and choices I have made in the past and now, including tons of 'what ifs', both simultaneously running in my mind.

I'm losing the drive in my life
I'm losing my hope and faith
And I'm losing myself

And although I remind myself of how fragile life can be and how we should always live each day as though it's our last, I am constantly lambasted with the importance of planning ahead. And so when I woke up today and told myself I will be brave to face everything, strangely enough, I don't think I'm allowed to.