In a circle

I guess this time now, it is my time. Time to let this crazy mind flow and see where this will take me to. Like always.

Relationship. No, not those love ones involving a guy. Rather just the word in general. I'm trying to hold to as many as I can while I make many more. But tell me how do I even start to strengthen a bond which is worth of years in respect to my life and then be expected to start from square one in another? It's two worlds I'm talking about here now. Two worlds that I have been busy switching myself into. I dont think I give myself completely when I'm in either one. I'm never around much to be honest. I'm just there, trying to work on it all at the same time when I should take one step at a time.

Mood. I can have a great start to the day only to be bumped out by anything that could cut me off. I love being around people but at the same time I dont. Complicated? Yeah, that my middle name. I love having friends but there are also many times when I just want to be alone and be isolated by myself. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this. Everyone has their moments where we need our space every now and then. I just happen to be the someone who needs those moments a lot.

Question. Why is it so easy when you want to be alone but it's so hard when you don't want to be alone. Those time when you need your own space, all you have to do is 1) don't answer calls 2) ignore all texts or 3) hide in your room all locked up. It's easy as that. But the tricker part comes when we don't want to be alone? Where do I even begin? It's like you are stuck in between the two world, not knowing which direction to take. And the sad truth is the consequences of you wanting to be alone would have an effect on the chances of you having a company in future when you dont want to be alone. Yeah, go figure that out.

Time. I walk passed a playground on the way back home today and I saw two children playing on the see-saw. The thing about see-saw is you need someone to be on the other side. You can't be on it by yourself. Not unless you just want to be sitting on it and do nothing but stare at the empty seat in front of you. Back to the two children, they were playing happily on the see-saw when one of them got bored and got off. The other still wanting to play, sat there waiting for his friend who had ran away to do something else. A while later, the kid came back only to find his friend gone. I mean for real, who was he kidding and why would he even think his friend would be there waiting for him? I find myself in his position. I was the kid who left only to find myself in the position of the one who was waiting when I came back. So should I continue to stay or should I just go?

Communication. Why is it so hard to address or approach any touchy or unpleasant subjects to people whom you are close with. Why do I feel like more than often, I'm the only one trying to make the situation better and that my efforts are being reciprocated. Honestly if you don't want to communicate or try to put in the same amount of effort I put in to make the situation better then I think I am done with being the person having to sacrifice all the time. Do you even know how tiring it is to be the person who save everyone asses and try to be nice all the time. I'm only human who needs saving myself at times. So honestly, get off my back because I'm tired of you, tired of even trying when this should have been over ages ago.

Growth. Growth is probably the only thing that is constant in this world. Somehow that sentence summarize all I wanted to say about it. It's a bit sudden to end this way. But that's what growth is all about. The sudden moments which catches you off guard. So let's just let it stay this way. Well, for now at least.