I can't sleep and hence this entry at this timing.

There are loads going through my mind. Fyp list needs to be submitted tmr. And just like before, I gave up a place I wanted for a fren who also wanted it. It sucks because I could have just gone with what I wanted and disregard her feelings and our friendship but my own humanity stopped me.

Maybe that's why sometimes it's better to be a floater who drifts from clique to clique so you don't have to feel guilty or responsible in this kind of situation.

Shit.

You know it's like this kind of emptiness inside of you and you just feel that everything is not going to work out. Honestly, take school away from me, I have nothing I can say I am doing or that define me as a person. Some people can claim they are a dancer while some can claim they are a pianist. While me, I don't even have an active social life, much less define who I am as a person.

And it is such a miserable and sucky feeling.

I have always hated people asking about my results or grades or marks. If I want to tell you, I will tell you if not, don't bother asking because it is damn obvious I have no wish to tell you what my grades are. I have been like this since primary school, secondary school and poly. And this time in Uni, I don't see why I should be any different.

Look, I couldn't care much less about my grades now because honestly, as you get older, your priorities changes and when your priorities changes, your expectation and attitude changes. Getting an A is as equivalent to me as getting a B or a C and honestly not of a big deal. Because at the end of the day, it's just a freaking alphabet. As long as you know how much effort you have put inside, that is all that matters in my eyes. Sadly, I don't think my peers in school feel that way, I extremely hate the constant competitiveness and the wanting to outdo each other atmosphere. The judging of the level of intelligence by your grades is completely absurb and I honestly can't stand it. I honestly believe that everyone has their own strength and doesn't mean you do better in this area of field determines you would be good in everything. Everyone has their own areas of achievement and it disgust me how people judge you through your results.

I know, I am just whinning about school. Nothing's new I suppose. What's new is that grades are no longer a source of happiness or satisfaction to me.



On the other side, it's been 11 years since she left. I still quite clearly remembered how she looked like that day, that smile that gave me comfort each time I missed her. She taught me what love was all about. Love for your husband, love for your kids, love for your grandchildren and love the people around you. I could never even reach half of the love she had for others. Thats why to me she was the greatest. I love her and yes, I do miss her from time to time. And I'm sure everyone else who crosses her path does.

Dear Motivation
Why are you always going away and leaving me all by myself? Don't you know I get terribly lonely when you are not around. Just when I desperately needed your company, you choose to leave. Where did you go? Please come back because I am terribly missing you.

Dear Distraction
Why are you always around? Do you know how painful it is to have you by my side 24hrs. It's killing me because I don't think I need you especially at this moment. You're an influence to begin with and a nightmare to everyone's progress. I seriously hope sometimes you would give me a breather and leave me alone.

The world leaves you with very little room for regrets.

Those living in regret finds themselves falling way back behind the queue with the unablility to move on...
Only to find out that the only way to move is to look forward and to stop having regrets..

Dang it

I didnt think I would ever find myself saying this..

But honestly, I cant wait for school to end. 3 more semester(if I never fail any subject) and I am done with it. Seriously lar, school's no longer fun. It's becoming draggy and annoying. I on the other hand, seems to be losing all the motivation and interest I once had. It's competitive and uninteresting because everyone just seems to be chasing after that grade that it comes to a point where it's not about learning at your own pace but rather to be in that race with everyone else. I totally hate the system and the way they run it. It's definately not for someone like me and has definitely made me more easily tempremental and irritable.

But then after school, then there's the working environment which I even hate more. So honestly, as much as I can't wait for school to end, I dont want it to end either because I dont want to be stuck in the working world. I'm such a fickle and undecisive person, yes I know, don't remind me.

Dang it, I hate feeling like this. Not knowing where to go and where's your purpose. But I know everyone goes through this. While some never got to find their purpose, some lucky ones find theirs. Alright, I'm just rambling some rubbish. I need to go study on those stupid filters and sampling frequency and timer thingy. Yucks.

On the other hand, she left us for good a week ago. Strangely it felt like a small part of me left with her. But I know she would be happier there. I love you babygirl. Till we meet =)

I have decided. From now on, it's all going to be about putting myself first. I'm going to stop trying so hard to understand and care and bother about others.

It's not worth it.