Finding something

I have always talked about finding a passion or finding something I could say about myself. The fact is, I always had something in me. It has been there all along but I just failed to look at it because I didnt think it was something special or it was something I was good at. And when someone told me that it was special, I realize that the reason why I havent been able to find what I was looking for was because I have already found it.

You know those little stanzas and phrases when you combine them together people call them poem. I dont call mine poem because a poem is a work often in verse, usually dealing with emotional or descriptive subject in a rhythmic form. Mine is nothing of that sort. Mine is just a whole load of chuck written with my emotions. Which is the reason why I only write for myself and not for others because I know there are alot more better writers out there. The same reason how writing can make me feel so good about myself after each piece because of the amount of emotions I poured inside. The exact same reason why I rarely show my works to others for fear of it being judged.

And to have taken the step to show someone was a big deal to me because it simply means you have to listen to what they have to say about it. But I must say since then it has been encouraging. In fact, it got me inspired to dig my old journals to retrieve back some of my old works dated as back in the year 2000.

Flipping through the pages, I realised how a lot of them were about love, crushes and all those silly emotions you go through as a teenager. Halfway through it, I notice the sudden shift of direction to friendships and bonds forged. And then without any given signals or warning, the direction shifted to about finding a change, about finding a purpose and about finding myself.

With all that aside, I wrote something a few days back. Oh no, please don't think it's a good piece because I still don't think I am good at this or this is something special. But it's just a little something that I want to share. A little something written with my emotions. And I hope whoever reading this will be more forgiving on my unperfected piece.

Alone

I have watched many movies
But none of which I can remember the plot
I have listened to many songs
And none of which I could hum to the melody

I want to run away
As far as my feet can take me
Until my strength can hold no more
And when I fall and collapse
I want to be buried in the sand

I wish I was born alone
No family, No frens, Nobody,
No everyone except me

Just me and god
and my faith to fill between the spaces

Then I would be free
free from all commitments and responsibility

Free from all kinds of expectation
that others or I set to please

Honestly I'm tired
Tired of being around
Tired of having to be around
So would you just leave me alone, please

-27.05.09

My Potential

8/20. Honestly, what I truly need to do now is to really sit down and review my studying method. The one I'm using now doesn't seem to work well for me. For the first time today after a long time I failed a test. No, I'm not sad. In fact, it's scary how calm I am knowing the perfectionist in me.

When I told my parents about it. They didnt say anything. Not the way I want them to react. I could sense a twinge of 'unexpectedness' because I guess they didnt expect it.

As a child, I have always pushed myself to the extreme limits in everything that I do. They never really had to bother too much about me studying or getting the grades. Passing was never a problem and failing was never in the list. Although each time, I say I might fail, I would end up acing or passing the subject. Which was why they never believed me when I say I am struggling with even passing now. So I guess when the news of how I failed reached their ears, it was probably too abrupt.

But no worries, my parents are cool people like that. In fact, mum didnt even approve of me continuing my studies for fear I study myself to death. While dad always seems to be telling me not to push myself too hard just to get the A's. To quote "Just get a Pass is good already".
While me, I'm learning to adjust myself to the current situation I am in. Don't worry because I am dealing with this failure way better that you can even imagine. In fact in the midst of all this failing, grades and school, I begin to discover where my real passion and potential is. Most definitely not as an Accountant or an Engineer. =)

When the body and mind disagree

I hate feeling this way. It's like my mind is saying I need to be studying but my body and heart is telling me to heck care.

5 more chapters to revise before tmr's quiz. My mind is in a whirl now. What debit this account and credit this account and then there's the ten thousand million rules not forgetting formulae. I cant even think straight. I need to get on with my revision.

Nothing new

I was writing about something and was half way done when I decided to go against it. No idea why, just don't feel like posting anything concrete at the moment. Just random and small talks this time aite.

Next week is quiz week and as usual I have a long way to go in covering the chapters. Nothing new. I thought I would be learning more since it's special sem but apparently schedule is so tight that everything is a rush and I don't think I learn anything. Nothing new. School fees for this special sem is coming and I'm honestly broke. Nothing new. I haven't paid my phone bills for 3 months because I'm short of cash and it got cut. Nothing new. I'm tired of working part-time which only pays me enough to buy my bus concession and a few meals every month. Nothing new. Haven't watch a movie for decades. Nothing new. Havent been going out with friends for decades. Nothing new. Haven't done something crazy and wild for decades. Nothing new. Apparently nothing's new. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get started on my tutorial. Nothing's new either.

What's new is I have a crush on someone. Yup, you heard me right. He's the one on the right. So adorable. lol. =)

I have been acting weird lately. Being bitter and sad about a lot of things. This morning I woke up feeling disappointed with myself. I realize how time has made me a person who hates life and bitter about everything. Its funny to see signs of yourself becoming someone you dont want to be. So I have decided that I need a positive outlook and learn to quit sweating on the small stuff. Afterall, things happen for a good reason.

Someone text me just as I finished bathing informing me that exam results are out. And thats when the real test came.

As expected, I didnt do very well. But somehow, I feel more accomplished than ever. The sense of independence and accomplishment grows with every passing semester. Maybe because as the semester pass, I learn to be by myself and do things on my own without help from any of them. Projects and studying were all done by myself within my own capabilities. I knew the amount of effort I put in and even though it doesnt reflect on my results I could safely say I did gave my all.

Sometimes when we attain happiness we tend to give credit to ourself and forget about HIM. It's only when we hit the downturns then we start remembering. But here's a moment where I remembered about HIM and to be thankful regardless what.

money is the root of all evil. it is for the same reasons that brings argument and so much unhappiness.

i hate money.

I love connecting with people on an intellectual level. When I mean intellectual, I don't mean talking to someone who is academically inclined and talking about studies or grades or anything of that sort. What I mean is to hold a decent conversation and have this same level of understanding which you can relate or share your ideals with. In short, to connect on a deeper level.

To be able to share views, ideals, passion, experiences, opinion, to listen and be listened to.

I bump into an old friend in the train on the way to school. Super old friend that I can't even quite remember his name. I don't even remember talking that much to him during sch days so I was half expecting the ride to be a little bit akward.

But surprise surprise, that 50 mins together was one of the best conversations I had for pretty much a long time. I can't even believe how much there was to talk about. And funny how comfortable we were with each other presence. There wasn't even any moments where we were both silent. And then when it was time to part, for the first time I wished the train ride was longer for there was so much more to share.

No, we didn't exchange numbers. Because it doesnt work that way for me. He did asked for it but I didnt give it. Reason I gave: To meet and to leave when it's time to say goodbye. If we are meant to meet again then we will. I like it better this way.

And right before he alighted, he whispered with a laughter, "Major commitment issues you have there babe". I sat there laughing because I couldn't have agreed more. =)

most of the time, we dont appreciate what we have. i admit i dont. as much as i bring myself to accept the conditions of my life, for most part of it, i wished for more. it's people like me they say, never learn how to appreciate, until i learn how to struggle.

as odd as this may sound, i want to be independent, to move somewhere where no form of help is easily reachable, to go broke, to experience having to starve, to strive for something i so badly want, to live each day with uncertainty, to climb every mountain only to leap with faith. to sleep at night thinking about what will happen tmr. and only after all that, i want to succeed.

dont get me wrong. i love my family more than anything that could ever comprehend. they are my pillar of strength and source of comfort. being a home girl, not having my parents around would be tortorous. not being able to talk to them is like taking my oxygen away.

but this brings me to the whole point of this entry. i know how crazy this sounds like. but i really dont want to make it in life without failing first. i want to be able to know what i have is what i started from scratch. i want to be able to see everything i have done in a better light even if it means; to begin in darkness.

to leave my things behind and build with my own blocks.
to find that inner peace i lost a long time ago

only then can i have a toast to my life.
not in desire to be successful but rather to be a success.

Mike Check, One. Two. Three.

Time check: 11.47pm

We were given 5 super long questions on accounting today for our presentation on wednesday. Something about bank reconciliation and some inventory thingy. So the group decided tmr for a group discussion and I'm supposed to be attempting the questions plus a template for the presentation. Best part, I haven't started anything since I got back from school at 8pm and I havent got the mood to start doing. Feel like drinking some gas drink to stimulate my brain but there's nothing in the fridge. Feel like sleeping because I'm feeling tired but I will be screwed if I show up empty handed tmr because I'm the group leader. I guess it's a long night tonight unless I accidentally fall asleep on my bed.

Time check: 11.53pm

ok, I think I really need to go and start finding some inspiration.

I want to think I am a simple person and it doesnt take a lot to make me happy.

All I want is to be able to make something out of my life. I'm bored of doing the same thing every single day. I'm tired with school and everything. I need something new that's been lacking in my life lately. I want to just do something totally crazy. Learn something new and different and be out of my comfort zone. To take risk and stop playing it safe. To pick my bag and just walk away from my life as I know it. To start from zero. To travel and see new places. Meet random strangers and leave them when it's time to say goodbye.

This wasnt what I envisioned when I started writing this, but whatever, it is still a post worthy.

I'm a broken soul
All tattered and withered
With the lights of the past
Hauting and consuming me from within

I'm a broken child
whose dreams shatters
Shatter into million pieces
flying over the place

Nothing I could do
to salvage the pieces
But to watch it broken
before my very own eyes

Major breakouts. Acne scars. Losing too much hair. Massive urging to snack leading to increase in kilos.

Every girl has their bimbotic moment. Kill me pls. thank god, my teeth is still intact.

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Sweet. ty. il.

been rotting the week away. eat, sleep, watch tv, surf net. seems like I have too much time on hand that I've been writing almost everyday.

oh well, this is just a temporary arrangement before sch starts again next week.

i'm thinking of doing a project. art, writing and creative. go figure.

hopefully laziness doesnt kick in and i get down doing.

.yana