Random

After 3 years, I finally decided to bring some changes to my blog. Just a header I designed, nothing too drastic.

I just finished writing something but just when I was about to press the button, I decided against it. Had I followed my raging emotions when it happened, I wouldnt have given a second thought about it. But I guess until something trigger that, that post shall remain hidden.

For now, I'm feeling at peace with myself. It's been sometime since I feel this way. I pray to God that this feeling stays for a long time.

People

As we grow older, we tend to turn to validation. We listen to people to define us and take great pride in their definations. You feel beautiful only when someone feel you are. You think you are smart only when someone thought you are. And brave only when someone believe you are. And as the days passed, without realising, you lose yourself to these validations. It made you believe to feel good about yourself but in actual fact you only feel worst because you find youself coming to them for more. What we often forgot is that no one is able to know you, love you, feel you, hold you, the way only you know you can. We don't need these people. God made everyone beautiful and this includes you.

Today, I clicked on the archives on my blog. When I read back at the things I have wrote, I find that a lot of these entries are written with deep thoughts where I ponder about everything ever possible. I guess that's probably the reason why more than often I find people asking if I am depressed or if I am unhappy or if everything is fine. True, these writings rely heavily on my emotions however this are my moments when I recognize them and get over it. But it doesnt mean I am pessimistic or negative. I guess because these entries are a bit more on the reflective side, it often catches people the wrong way.

It's strange isnt it. How we are often expected to behave a certain way around people due to the expectation they create of you. And it's even more strange how we have to live up to that. And when you don't, they think you have changed or you are not being yourself. My take is to stay to your true self and not that somebody conjured by people. There might be consequences but I would take my chances on them. Anytime, anywhere, at anyplace...

Naz, I have been everywhere except around friends. Trust me, you guys are not the only ones. I am working on that though. One step at a time.

In a circle

I guess this time now, it is my time. Time to let this crazy mind flow and see where this will take me to. Like always.

Relationship. No, not those love ones involving a guy. Rather just the word in general. I'm trying to hold to as many as I can while I make many more. But tell me how do I even start to strengthen a bond which is worth of years in respect to my life and then be expected to start from square one in another? It's two worlds I'm talking about here now. Two worlds that I have been busy switching myself into. I dont think I give myself completely when I'm in either one. I'm never around much to be honest. I'm just there, trying to work on it all at the same time when I should take one step at a time.

Mood. I can have a great start to the day only to be bumped out by anything that could cut me off. I love being around people but at the same time I dont. Complicated? Yeah, that my middle name. I love having friends but there are also many times when I just want to be alone and be isolated by myself. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this. Everyone has their moments where we need our space every now and then. I just happen to be the someone who needs those moments a lot.

Question. Why is it so easy when you want to be alone but it's so hard when you don't want to be alone. Those time when you need your own space, all you have to do is 1) don't answer calls 2) ignore all texts or 3) hide in your room all locked up. It's easy as that. But the tricker part comes when we don't want to be alone? Where do I even begin? It's like you are stuck in between the two world, not knowing which direction to take. And the sad truth is the consequences of you wanting to be alone would have an effect on the chances of you having a company in future when you dont want to be alone. Yeah, go figure that out.

Time. I walk passed a playground on the way back home today and I saw two children playing on the see-saw. The thing about see-saw is you need someone to be on the other side. You can't be on it by yourself. Not unless you just want to be sitting on it and do nothing but stare at the empty seat in front of you. Back to the two children, they were playing happily on the see-saw when one of them got bored and got off. The other still wanting to play, sat there waiting for his friend who had ran away to do something else. A while later, the kid came back only to find his friend gone. I mean for real, who was he kidding and why would he even think his friend would be there waiting for him? I find myself in his position. I was the kid who left only to find myself in the position of the one who was waiting when I came back. So should I continue to stay or should I just go?

Communication. Why is it so hard to address or approach any touchy or unpleasant subjects to people whom you are close with. Why do I feel like more than often, I'm the only one trying to make the situation better and that my efforts are being reciprocated. Honestly if you don't want to communicate or try to put in the same amount of effort I put in to make the situation better then I think I am done with being the person having to sacrifice all the time. Do you even know how tiring it is to be the person who save everyone asses and try to be nice all the time. I'm only human who needs saving myself at times. So honestly, get off my back because I'm tired of you, tired of even trying when this should have been over ages ago.

Growth. Growth is probably the only thing that is constant in this world. Somehow that sentence summarize all I wanted to say about it. It's a bit sudden to end this way. But that's what growth is all about. The sudden moments which catches you off guard. So let's just let it stay this way. Well, for now at least.

One out of the many

Just another writing out of the many I wrote ages ago. It's baby steps I'm taking here. To show the pieces I hold tightly to. If you can see the truth to my writings, then I say you have pretty much understood me.

Revolves

When your life revolves around a person
You built your entire world around him
You gave your heart, your soul,
your money, your everything
in exchange to be with him

Your pillar of strength and source of happiness
Comes from him
Your direction of life and dreams
Changes with him

Your faith lingers around him
Suddenly you become his shadow
And he becomes your body

Everything will seem perfect..
But when something goes wrong..
Like suddenly he drops out of the picture

Your whole life comes tumbling down
faster than the way you built it..
Your entire faith crashes
and you lose your direction..

Suddenly you don't know the person you are
You mob in despair
thinking that the whole world is against you
And nobody else cares

That's probably when you start realizing
how dependent you are on him

-21.04.08-

It's 2am and I'm widely awake. Something is wrong with me. I'm so freaking tired but my eyes is not cooperating. It's the same old routine each day. I just cant seem to sleep and my attempt to sleep really early always backfire. I would just end up tossing and turning in the bed until I can see the sunlight entering my room. I think I'm ill or something and need to see a doctor because this has been happening for a few months.

Anyway since I can't sleep, I'm doing some research on something. I don't want to be talking too much about it though. Just hope it works out.

Fyp has been fine so far. So far, my work scope has been managable and based on all the comments my prof has given me, he seems nice. "Sleeping 8 hours a day will give you the energy to work afresh the nextday. We are fighting a war (marathon), not battles, it is important to keep yourself fresh!". He sent that to everyone who was under his supervision but I havent met him in person though so I can't really say much. Fyp aside, this accounting subject I'm taking is killing me. I dont know what is happening and gut feeling is suggesting that I might flunk it. Too many rules and concepts that I have to squeeze into my small brain is just making me insane. Wednesday is the major paper and honestly I just cant wait for it to end.

Speaking of exams, I was studying the other day when big bro came and talk to me. He was saying how lucky I was because compared to many other parents, my parents have no expectation of me and the only expectation I have is the one I put myself to. He told me how unhealthy it is to just be stuck in my room and not do anything else but study. And he added that failing is nothing and I shouldnt be afraid of it.

About the parents part, I agree. But I am not afraid of failing. I'm just afraid that I am wasting money and my precious time which is the reason why I push myself even when I know my brain can't handle them. Honestly, I long stop caring about my grades but that doesnt mean I would just give up. Even if it means I know I will fail, I wouldn't stop at giving my best shot.

oh well, this weather is freaking hot and has definitely affects my studying.

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Yesterday,
All mistakes serves as memory to failure
Things have to happen for me grow
So allow me to let it go
but remind me not to forgo
Show me what I can do
So to improve
Then I can succeed
For today and tomorrow.

Today,
Give me the strength to encourage
The hope to create
A memory so beautiful for keepsake
So when tomorrow comes
I will remember you as yesterday

Tomorrow,
I pray I am nothing like yesterday
But more than what was today
Teach me to appreciate
To treasure for what come may
To anticipate your arrival
Because unlike yesterday and today
You come and just go.

-4.06.09

she said it was so painful she almost wanted to give up. and then she said that before they could cut up her vagina to prevent tearing, the baby started to come out already, so her vagina tore. then they quickly cut it.

i can only imagine how painful it is. to carry a life for 9 months dealing with all sort of emotions and body changes. then come the life and death situation moment to get the baby out dealing with all kinds of pain from your vagina to every single part and nerves of your body. and not to mention after birth moments where you have to be in confinement for 40 days dealing with bathing once a day, eating all sort of medicines and not sleeping with a fan. there are definitely more to that but all this just make me realize how the guys always have it easier. shall just leave that topic for another day because i know i wont stop if i start on it.

3.3 kg i think. that's the weight of her baby. i have yet to see him but judging from photos he looks adorably cute and big. daddy says he looks like her but i dont know because i havent see him yet.

i'll come meet you little one when my time permits. for now, you will just have to wait patiently until september before another little friend come join you.

that would be big brother's one. and when that happens, i'm going to hear an almost similar experience from sis-in-law and scare myself about child-birth.